(500)
boney_ballerina

I WILL LOSE 20 POUNDS BY MY ANNIVERSARY.

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(300)
boney_ballerina

It's pretty much summer. And if I have to get into a swimsuit, I'll probably kill myself. I have ten more pounds to lose before I'm swimsuit ready. How did I let myself get back to my "recovered" weight?? I feel so ugly...

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(500)
boney_ballerina

Yesterday went very well. I dropped four pounds. I want to drop another four pounds today. I think the key in not plateauing will be to drink water water water.

I'm on my second cup of coffee. No food until David gets home tonight at 7:30. I can do it.

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(Fast)
boney_ballerina

Drinking coffee right now. It's a new kind, very strong. I'm going to drink a ton of it this morning before work. Then tonight, I'm going to drink a lot of broth for dinner. Only non caloric liquids today. And then tomorrow, ABC. In one month, it's David's and my one year anniversary. We're going cliff diving like we did on our first date. I was 40lbs less when we first met. I plan to be the same as I was then. I have to. I am sick of not being able to wear my clothes from last summer! It's on...

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Grrr
boney_ballerina

Pissed off. Angry. Rawr!! Not fucking ok with any of this and I won't hold my tongue for long. It's either "everything is wonderful" or "let's be an uber dick". I can't keep jumping to the extremes just to keep up. It's FEEDING my anorexia. And you know what? I'm just gonna let it. He can love me or he's gonna lose me. It's that simple

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Manic Monday
boney_ballerina

Good day. Bad evening. We went out and got drinks. Came back. I started folding laundry while David restrung his guitar. Something on it broke again and he got pissed. David has quite a temper. He never takes it out on me but it worries me a lot. He just gets so irritated at little things. It sucks to see him like that. Not being able to help him.... One of the big things that drives my eating disorder.

Tomorrow:
Make coffee
Shower
Work
Five bites of sandwich
Finish laundry
Five bites of corn
Dishes
Vacuum
Shave legs
Guitar
Sleep

I like schedules. I like lists. I miss my medication :(

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Screw it
boney_ballerina

So me and David almost broke up the other night. Ironic because I was going to talk to him about taking a break until he started being a dick and saying he's going to give me a lot of space to wait for me to figure out what I want. Then I just got upset and freaked out about losing him.

We worked it out. Kind of... He's not holding up his end. He said he wants me to talk to him but he never wants to listen. He's always stoned. He's always on his phone. I think I'm just going to give HIM some space but not mention it. When he's ready to be there for me, I will be too. In the mean time... Five bite is wonderful. It has given me back my control. Control I felt I'd lost over my life.

David is worried about my eating disorder but he can't have both. He can't worry when I'm not eating but not talk to me which KEEPS me eating. I don't like that.

I feel like a selfish bitch.

But I have no one else to help me figure this out. No friends really except Cameron who has his own things to deal with... I can't do things on my own. I can't get healthy on my own, which David pointed out, but he doesn't do any of the things I said I needed help with!!!

Fuck it.

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Not ok
boney_ballerina

Need my medication. I've lost ALL control. Tomorrow I'm throwing away all the tempting food we have. I'm not ok living like this. I'm depressed all the time. I hate myself. I can't wear my old clothes. I miss Ana. I miss Ana. I miss Ana...

Tomorrow:
1. throw away candy, pudding, bread, etc.
2. grocery shopping for things you don't like
3. label everything either "D" or "C"
4. 25 jumping jacks, 35 crunches
5. fill up water bottles


I'm going back. Hardcore..

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Five bite or ABC
boney_ballerina

Unsure.

I think abc is better. I'm going to try five bite for 5 days though, just to see. Then switch to ABC.

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Pissed
boney_ballerina

My parents ruined it. Made me eat. Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow boot camp begins. I'm gonna make my food plan for the week right now... I hate public meals.

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